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Originally published at Patty Templeton. Please leave any comments there.

lenny bruce

(Drawing for my pal Petro’s birthday)

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Kansas City You Be So Pretty

Originally published at Patty Templeton. Please leave any comments there.

The above was my attempt at a Cake Quatto. Didn’t quite work. It just looks like a cake within a cake rather than a cake growing out of a cake’s stomach. (Quatto reminder)


I went to Kansas City to my pal Dylan’s Big Birthday Bender Blowout Bash! Three days of music plus a slew of phenomenal freaks and funfolk I don’t get to see that often.


I’d never been to Kansas City. Holy crap, dudes. It is P to the RETTY. It’s got all these oddly painted neighborhoods. I passed a cool bookstore and was in a coupla swell bars and there was vegetarian or vegan food all over the place. Nice.


Dylan took over the Westport Saloon and Davey’s Uptown Ramblers Club for his three-day birthday bender. Not joking. I mean, I thought I was badass being able to stay up till like 4, but then you see folks stumbling around the hotel at 7 a.m. and realize how weak sauce you are. But whatever. I need to sleep to dance. And I only heard about these inebriates from my pal Rude Joe. He was always awake. Me and ShawnaBanana visited Joe and his hairdryer around 10 a.m., whereupon he gave us each an apple. He bought them from a bohemian woman who led a small parade (that included an egret) who followed her because she made music via foot-tambourine.


So the story goes.


It was a delicious apple. Coulda only been better if it was in a cobbler. Why Rude Joe didn’t make Banana and I a vegan apple cobbler for breakfast is beyond me. No. It’s not. It’s cause he is a curmudgeon who saves the cobbler for himself. Why do you think we call him Rude Joe?


ANYWAYS!


DAY 1!


Friday, I drove from Iowa to Kansas City with a pal. The car ride disappeared into new-friending and talk of feminism and music.


The shitty part of Friday: VOMITING PROFUSELY.


Not gonna lie. Had some Chinese food with a group and at least half of us got sick. LAME.


It was this place. Cute. Super busy. Tasty on the way down. But you are warned:



The second awful part about Friday: Not dancing that much due to stomach troubles. HMPH. Double hmph to Banana who has an IRON STOMACH OF POWER! who didn’t get sick at all and was a DANCING MACHINE! I was jealous.


Bands that played on Friday:


dylans big birthday bender 2015


Sterling Eugene and Josh Wardlaw


…who played pop covers at Dylan’s request


Lou Shields


artist and bluesman who sounds like he was born in a dust storm and raised on a Mississippi porch. He released two albums in 2014 – Cold Water Collection and American Relic. Buy ‘em.


dylans birthday bender 2015The Drunken Cuddle


…punk rock party songs whose interests include sweet nuzzes, cats, and whiskey. If they pass through your dive, you should see the show and then buy a shirt. And then buy one of Katie Marie Sternig’s rad wood burn art pieces.


County Graves


…this is the kind of midwestern Americana act that can cover “St. James Infirmary” and not sound like assholes. Gut-deep voices exploring dark corners of living. Loved them.


Filthy Still


….manic energy put to everything from Bigfoot, pill-poppin, and workin’ what you got…which may or may not mean masturbating.


The Hooten Hallers


…FILTHY SEXYASS BAND! The Hooten Hallers play dirty blues appropriate to howl outta pick-up trucks parked in front of juke joints where John Waters should get bathroom blowies.


dylans bday bender 2015 day 2


DAY 2!


And then, DAMN! Saturday. Saturday was hella adventure because music didn’t start till 9 p.m…so me, Banana, new pal Becky, and Rude Joe went WANDERING! No joke, we found a GLASS LABYRINTH! And GIANT SHUTTLECOCKS! and a VEGAN BRUNCH! and a FREE ART MUSEUM! I know. I know. Kansas City totally rocked it.


Bands that played on Saturday:


A.J. Gaither


…an instrument-buildin’, world-betterin’, goddamn good one man band. You can get his album, Half-Lit and Whole-Hearted for a fin. Seriously, a five spot. GET IT! Also, I want this shirt.


Billy Cook


…Rude Joe and I decided that Billy Cook looks like a disheveled community college professor who got fired about a month back and is on a bender. And seriously, SKILLS. Listen to “Salt and Meat” and tell me you don’t want more.


banana and patty templeton

Me and my Banana


Carrie Nation and the Speakeasy


…do I love watching this band? Yes. Do I love dancing to them more? YES. So…me and Banana went to the back of the bar for party-arm-swing-around space to their literate, history-infused, high-octane brassride of union songs and debauched livin’.


The Urban Pioneers


…Liz Sloan is my hero. She plays the fiddle so hard you can see God in her face. And Jared McGovern can work a standup bass and twang a banjo to my heart’s content. Heck yeah, you should buy their everything.


Joseph Huber


…I’ve crowed about this man all over this blog and my former blog and EVERYWHERE EVER. Because his lyrics are poetry and poets are motherfucking important. The album Tongues of Fire – one of my favorites ever. What? He also makes furniture? I know. I WANT IT ALL.


The Calamity Cubes!


…a goodtime band that can wreck your soul then fix it right. A three-piece off of Farmageddon Records, these dudes are hella nice and amazingly talented. See them live. The Calamity Cubes! play the sorta songs that could revive a crippled alley cat and make him dance.


banana and a shuttlecock

Can you spot the Banana in the Shuttlecock?


DAY 3!


Oh god. There was more music. Definitely more music. What was the music? Day three…it was getting harder. There was a serious lack of sleep happening. A definite want of food. If you are ever in Kansas City, try Freebirds World Burrito. Best GIANORMO burrito ever. Split one with Banana and it gave the day the gusto it needed.


Rude Joe and Patty Templeton

Rude Joe and Me


Bands the played:


Amanda Mayflower


…seek her out. She makes puppets and is a gorgeous singer. What else do you need???


Tyler Giles


…laidback singer of whiskey and worldly livin.


Kody Oh


Brook Blanche


Joey Henry’s Dirty Sunshine Club


…why yes, the three above are the three members of The Calamity Cubes! They each do solo work, too. Kody Oh’s got a 90s rock vibe with a bluesman’s voice. Brook Blanche does a fullbodied band of lowdown heatache songs. Joey Henry, well, he fills the world with surreal songs on the beauty and the bad in the world.


…I’m not sure but I feel I might be missing someone, damn it. But all of them were AWESOME.


* * *


A final thought on the reason for the bender weekend:


HAPPY BIRTHDAY, DYLAN! Again. Because you are a fantastic human being who threw a helluva show that surrounded me with friends all weekend. <3 <3 <3


* * *


And then I narrowly avoided driving home in a snowstorm while listening to Gone Girl by Gillian Flynn on audiobook. Yes, it is phenomenal. No, I have no idea why I waited this long to read it. Yes, I now want to read ALL HER BOOKS!


* * *


Hope you had a rad Valentine’s Day weekend. I did. On top of everything else…I got THIS MESMERIZING SHIRT from a hot Professor:


gremlins gizmo shirt


AND AND AND AND AND, a friend brought over baked goods last night. So I be cookie-nibblin…which, I guess turns me into a fearsome ghostlady:


patty templeton and a cookie


Tags:

Kansas City You Be So Pretty

Originally published at Patty Templeton. Please leave any comments there.

The above was my attempt at a Cake Quatto. Didn’t quite work. It just looks like a cake within a cake rather than a cake growing out of a cake’s stomach. (Quatto reminder)

I went to Kansas City to my pal Dylan’s Big Birthday Bender Blowout Bash! Three days of music plus a slew of phenomenal freaks and funfolk I don’t get to see that often.

I’d never been to Kansas City. Holy crap, dudes. It is P to the RETTY. It’s got all these oddly painted neighborhoods. I passed a cool bookstore and was in a coupla swell bars and there was vegetarian or vegan food all over the place. Nice.

Dylan took over the Westport Saloon and Davey’s Uptown Ramblers Club for his three-day birthday bender. Not joking. I mean, I thought I was badass being able to stay up till like 4, but then you see folks stumbling around the hotel at 7 a.m. and realize how weak sauce you are. But whatever. I need to sleep to dance. And I only heard about these inebriates from my pal Rude Joe. He was always awake. Me and ShawnaBanana visited Joe and his hairdryer around 10 a.m., whereupon he gave us each an apple. He bought them from a bohemian woman who led a small parade (that included an egret) who followed her because she made music via foot-tambourine.

So the story goes.

It was a delicious apple. Coulda only been better if it was in a cobbler. Why Rude Joe didn’t make Banana and I a vegan apple cobbler for breakfast is beyond me. No. It’s not. It’s cause he is a curmudgeon who saves the cobbler for himself. Why do you think we call him Rude Joe?

ANYWAYS!

DAY 1!

Friday, I drove from Iowa to Kansas City with a pal. The car ride disappeared into new-friending and talk of feminism and music.

The shitty part of Friday: VOMITING PROFUSELY.

Not gonna lie. Had some Chinese food with a group and at least half of us got sick. LAME.

It was this place. Cute. Super busy. Tasty on the way down. But you are warned:

The second awful part about Friday: Not dancing that much due to stomach troubles. HMPH. Double hmph to Banana who has an IRON STOMACH OF POWER! who didn’t get sick at all and was a DANCING MACHINE! I was jealous.

Bands that played on Friday:

dylans big birthday bender 2015

Sterling Eugene and Josh Wardlaw

…who played pop covers at Dylan’s request

Lou Shields

artist and bluesman who sounds like he was born in a dust storm and raised on a Mississippi porch. He released two albums in 2014 – Cold Water Collection and American Relic. Buy ‘em.

dylans birthday bender 2015The Drunken Cuddle

…punk rock party songs whose interests include sweet nuzzes, cats, and whiskey. If they pass through your dive, you should see the show and then buy a shirt. And then buy one of Katie Marie Sternig’s rad wood burn art pieces.

County Graves

…this is the kind of midwestern Americana act that can cover “St. James Infirmary” and not sound like assholes. Gut-deep voices exploring dark corners of living. Loved them.

Filthy Still

….manic energy put to everything from Bigfoot, pill-poppin, and workin’ what you got…which may or may not mean masturbating.

The Hooten Hallers

…FILTHY SEXYASS BAND! The Hooten Hallers play dirty blues appropriate to howl outta pick-up trucks parked in front of juke joints where John Waters should get bathroom blowies.

dylans bday bender 2015 day 2

DAY 2!

And then, DAMN! Saturday. Saturday was hella adventure because music didn’t start till 9 p.m…so me, Banana, new pal Becky, and Rude Joe went WANDERING! No joke, we found a GLASS LABYRINTH! And GIANT SHUTTLECOCKS! and a VEGAN BRUNCH! and a FREE ART MUSEUM! I know. I know. Kansas City totally rocked it.

Bands that played on Saturday:

A.J. Gaither

…an instrument-buildin’, world-betterin’, goddamn good one man band. You can get his album, Half-Lit and Whole-Hearted for a fin. Seriously, a five spot. GET IT! Also, I want this shirt.

Billy Cook

…Rude Joe and I decided that Billy Cook looks like a disheveled community college professor who got fired about a month back and is on a bender. And seriously, SKILLS. Listen to “Salt and Meat” and tell me you don’t want more.

banana and patty templeton

Me and my Banana

Carrie Nation and the Speakeasy

…do I love watching this band? Yes. Do I love dancing to them more? YES. So…me and Banana went to the back of the bar for party-arm-swing-around space to their literate, history-infused, high-octane brassride of union songs and debauched livin’.

The Urban Pioneers

…Liz Sloan is my hero. She plays the fiddle so hard you can see God in her face. And Jared McGovern can work a standup bass and twang a banjo to my heart’s content. Heck yeah, you should buy their everything.

Joseph Huber

…I’ve crowed about this man all over this blog and my former blog and EVERYWHERE EVER. Because his lyrics are poetry and poets are motherfucking important. The album Tongues of Fire – one of my favorites ever. What? He also makes furniture? I know. I WANT IT ALL.

The Calamity Cubes!

…a goodtime band that can wreck your soul then fix it right. A three-piece off of Farmageddon Records, these dudes are hella nice and amazingly talented. See them live. The Calamity Cubes! play the sorta songs that could revive a crippled alley cat and make him dance.

banana and a shuttlecock

Can you spot the Banana in the Shuttlecock?

DAY 3!

Oh god. There was more music. Definitely more music. What was the music? Day three…it was getting harder. There was a serious lack of sleep happening. A definite want of food. If you are ever in Kansas City, try Freebirds World Burrito. Best GIANORMO burrito ever. Split one with Banana and it gave the day the gusto it needed.

Bands the played:

Amanda Mayflower

…seek her out. She makes puppets and is a gorgeous singer. What else do you need???

Tyler Giles

…laidback singer of whiskey and worldly livin.

Kody Oh

Brook Blanche

Joey Henry’s Dirty Sunshine Club

…why yes, the three above are the three members of The Calamity Cubes! They each do solo work, too. Kody Oh’s got a 90s rock vibe with a bluesman’s voice. Brook Blanche does a fullbodied band of lowdown heatache songs. Joey Henry, well, he fills the world with surreal songs on the beauty and the bad in the world.

…I’m not sure but I feel I might be missing someone, damn it. But all of them were AWESOME.

* * *

A final thought on the reason for the bender weekend:

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, DYLAN! Again. Because you are a fantastic human being who threw a helluva show that surrounded me with friends all weekend. <3 <3 <3

* * *

And then I narrowly avoided driving home in a snowstorm while listening to Gone Girl by Gillian Flynn on audiobook. Yes, it is phenomenal. No, I have no idea why I waited this long to read it. Yes, I now want to read ALL HER BOOKS!

* * *

Hope you had a rad Valentine’s Day weekend. I did. On top of everything else…I got THIS MESMERIZING SHIRT from a hot Professor:

gremlins gizmo shirt

AND AND AND AND AND, a friend brought over baked goods last night. So I be cookie-nibblin…which, I guess turns me into a fearsome ghostlady:

patty templeton and a cookie

 

Tags:

Originally published at Patty Templeton. Please leave any comments there.

Yo, Fab Friends!

I wrote a post for Black Gate on book tours for d.i.y. authors. Mosey on over.

It starts like this:

My adventure begins sixteen tons of sundowns ago…maybe say, November-ish, when the Clarendon Hills Public Library in Illinois asked me to be a featured reader at their No-Shush Salon. They wanted an author for early 2015. My first response (which I thankfully didn’t send) was no. Grateful that they thought of me, but no way. Who can afford to travel 5 hours one-way for one reading?

And then, THEN! In a cosmic crapshoot of hell yeah, another Chicago reading series, Tuesday Funk, contacted me. They wanted me for a reading several days after No-Shush.

When the universe shimmies at you, you wink back. I said yes to both.

You can read more of it over HERE!

…and while you do that, I am going to nom the hell outta these carrots and hummus.

sloth carrots gif

Tags:

Originally published at Patty Templeton. Please leave any comments there.

Yo, Fab Friends!

I wrote a post for Black Gate on book tours for d.i.y. authors. Mosey on over.

It starts like this:

My adventure begins sixteen tons of sundowns ago…maybe say, November-ish, when the Clarendon Hills Public Library in Illinois asked me to be a featured reader at their No-Shush Salon. They wanted an author for early 2015. My first response (which I thankfully didn’t send) was no. Grateful that they thought of me, but no way. Who can afford to travel 5 hours one-way for one reading?

And then, THEN! In a cosmic crapshoot of hell yeah, another Chicago reading series, Tuesday Funk, contacted me. They wanted me for a reading several days after No-Shush.

When the universe shimmies at you, you wink back. I said yes to both.

You can read more of it over HERE!

…and while you do that, I am going to nom the hell outta these carrots and hummus.

sloth carrots gif

Tags:

Tidbits from 20,000 Days on Earth

Originally published at Patty Templeton. Please leave any comments there.

Are you a writer? A musician? Artistic type? Maybe someone searchin’ for gumption to get shit done?

Have a sit-down with 20,000 Days on Earth, Jane Pollard and Iain Forsyth’s documentary on Nick Cave. You can rent it for 4 bucks on Amazon. (I rented it in a magic window of time when it was 99 frikkin cents. Huzzah!)

::pause for related announcement::

Have you seen Peaky Blinders? IT IS AWESOME. Ok. Ok. I’ve only seen the first episode, but I love it. I love the music in it. I’m listening to Nick Cave’s “Red Right Hand” which is used in the opening credits. MROW! Like I wanna have rolling, throb-hot sex in a gravel quarry to that song.

::documentary talk continues::

20,000 Days on Earth ain’t so much a highlight reel of Nick Cave’s punk past as an exploration of his continual creation. It’s an example of the stakes of memory being sacred, but not stockading. Pollard, Forsyth, and Cave constructed a documentary equal parts informative and surreal. This isn’t a day-in-the-life of, shaky cam doc. Everything is measured. You see the parts of Nick Cave that he wants you to see. Everything reinforces the church of cool he’s built his personality into over the decades.

And, dudes, that’s fine.

Awesome, in fact.

What do I want to know more about? I want to know about the writing. I want to know about making the music. His family life is none of my business. I want to hear about artistic progression, and that’s freely given.

We wake with Cave and follow him from his typewriter, to lyrical conception, to jamming with the Bad Seeds, to the creation of the album Push the Sky Away. Interspersed in this musical process are poignant scenes with a psychotherapist and Jim Jarmuschian car-talks with folks Nick Cave hadn’t seen in years – like Kylie Minogue and Blixa Bargeld. These meditative moments, with the addition of a visit to Cave’s archive, lead to insights on how an identity is built…and where the personal self ends and the performer begins.

If you need a movie to kick you in the ass and remind you how short life is, and what you can do with it if you pay attention, see 20,000 Days on Earth.

Random Other:

It’s also full of Nick Cave doing voiceovers that are all insightful and shit. Two quotes I really liked were:

nick cave quote, 20000 days on earth

nick cave quote 20000 days on earth

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Originally published at Patty Templeton. Please leave any comments there.

lux interior and poison ivyIf music is, indeed, “…the electric soil in which the spirit lives, thinks [and] invents,” my trashy quintessence constantly feeds from the galvanic mudpit made by the psycho-sexual smut parade that was The Cramps.

Fuck. I love that band.

They are one of the few bands that I recall exactly where I was the first time I heard them – riding shotgun in my best friend’s car, coming home from the Crow’s Nest, a now defunct record store. (Aren’t they most? I weep for the youth of today who don’t have indie bookstores and record joints to gestate their cool in.) We’d hung out with a rudeboy named Stephan. I obsessed over a lost cause of a crush named Derrick. Said merry chase was obsessed with a girl named Bubbles. I shit you not. I lost a sex battle to a girl named Bubbles.

Anyway.

The windows were rolled down. My feet were on the dash.
Nida said, “Hey, have you heard The Cramps?”
I said, “Huh?”
Nida pressed play.

“Bikini Girls with Machine Guns” came on.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8fyr0zbaFyE

The dark recesses of my heart turned to tiger stripes and PING, in the shimmer of a hoochie coocher’s sequined pasties, my world expanded. I knew no bounds. Anything, everything was possible.

Lux Interior was the lead singer of The Cramps.  He was a luminary of lowbrow high art. He was the Elvis of Bad Eggs. The Most Exalted Potentate of Reprobates. He was a bizarre and extraordinarily talented front man who changed the world by stripping down, swigging often and sullying rock and roll back into its anarchic and Bacchanalian best.

Today is the anniversary of his death, but I choose to celebrate his life.

All hail the cerebral scoundrel of psychobilly.

All hail Lux Interior.

Rest in heels you goddamned gorgeous man.

 

(Repost from my former blog platform.)

Tags:

Originally published at Patty Templeton. Please leave any comments there.

Three Word Review: BUY THIS BOOK!


Two Paupers cover, Dark Breakers book 2,C.S.E. Cooney


Slightly Extended Review:


C.S.E. Cooney makes me swoony…as displayed by this picture from a year-and-a-half ago posted on my tumblr:


cse cooney,c.s.e. cooney, c. s. e. cooney, cse cooney makes me swoony,


The Dark Breakers series makes my insides turn to goo. I have decided to reshape this goo into hearts and vomit them at Cooney’s feet. It’s a heaping well-deserved.


Here’s the summary:


Sculptor Gideon Alderwood can’t decide if he worships Analise or loathes her. Novelist Analise Field is pretty sure that if Gideon cuts her one more time with the sharp side of his tongue, she’ll grab a sledgehammer and break something other than his beautiful clay statues.


Neither can bear to live more than one wall apart from each other in the Seafall city garret they call home.


Gideon is determined that Analise will never discover the secret of his statues, lest her life be in as much danger as his. He will do anything to protect her, even if it means destroying their tenuous chance to be together. Analise will not stand by and watch any friend of hers fight an impossible war alone. If she has to walk through the shifting walls of Breaker House and into another world to help him, that’s what she’ll do.


But in order to go up against a magical Gentry army, Analise Field needs allies. Maybe even one she has to steal right out from under Gideon Alderwood’s nose.


Great Things About The Two Paupers:


-ROMANCE!


-ADVENTURE!


-LOATHING and WITTICISMS!


-Can be read as a stand-alone (but hey, the First Dark Breakers bk – The Breaker Queen – was badass, too)


-It is a mere $2.99. DO IT. You know you want it.


If you like Georgette Heyer, Mary Robinette Kowal, and barb-trading romance…check out Cooney’s Two Paupers.


Tags:

Originally published at Patty Templeton. Please leave any comments there.

First…holy crap. Check out this Prince “Batdance” video. Love. Love. LOVE.

…Ok. I’m failing at blogotrons. Can’t seem to get the purple to rain for you via video. So…go HERE! You’ll get to see images like this:

prince batdance video gif

and this

prince batdance video gif

and this

prince batdance video gif

Which, I mean, is obviously…AWESOME!!! If Prince wanted to lean moodily in my direction while wearing a Joker suit, that’s cool. And if, while in his Joker suit and curled hair, he wanted to stare excitedly at my vagina through a black minidress extolling my intelligence through Frankie-Goes-To-Hollywood-lettering, that’s peaches to my cream.

I’m sure you all feel the same.

BUT! On to the purpose of this post!

Here’s what I published in 2014 that is eligible for awards:

There Is No Lovely End

Odd Rot, 2014

GoodReads, Amazon, Black Gate review

Eligible Categories: First Novel, Best Novel…and any award that has to do with self-publishing, horror, or beginning writers.

If you are a member of a voting association, contact me here and I will hook you up with a digital reading copy.

Thanks for stopping by.

High Fives.

::continues couch-dancing to Prince::

 

 

 

Tags:

In the Land of Mom and Cacti

Originally published at Patty Templeton. Please leave any comments there.

It has been two years…TWO YEARS…since I have gone to Arizona to see my family. Blame it on money, blame it on whatever, but that is too damn long.

This song comes to mind:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q2bo_u_YmW8

I now come home and both my mom and I are older than we’ve ever been. The time for us to go gallivanting on adventures…it isn’t coming to a close, but it is getting into the Region of Health Considerations and How They Affect Travel. I would be lying if I said it doesn’t freak me out. But that’s an inner monologue not yet figured out. Instead of draggin’ you down that strip, I will say…

Yes, I do still despise flying instead of driving.

i hate flying I want to write wingwalker stories and barnstorming stories and all manner of cheeky daring do related to early aviation…but for the nonlove of ugh…my controlling self doesn’t like being on a modern airplane.

Moving on.

Me and my ma went to Lolo’s for soul food and it was AWESOME. I had fried green tomatoes that were half a taste away from heaven. I also got to see my nephew for the first time in two years. Last time I saw the lil’ man he fit in my arms. Now he’s playing leap frog and being a general toddler showoff. Weird. Has this ever happened to any of you…you look at certain friends or family and are like HOLY SHIT…YOU HAVE A KID? And it is ALIVE? STILL? But that isn’t being fair to my brother. He’s been a responsible member of the human race for years now. He is no longer the miscreant rave-thrower of our youths.

out of the woos chris offuttIn other news, I started reading Out of the Woods by Chris Offutt and it is SO EFFING GOOD. It’s a collection of short stories, on folks who have left Kentucky. If you like authors like Frank Bill or Daniel Woodrell, you’d probably dig Offutt. I can’t wait to quit blogging so I can finish reading it. Then find more of his work. And he’s on twitter. Just. Followed. Him.

::looks at clock::

Shit. Gotta go. Meeting the moms for lunch. More later. Like about the writing that is going on. I am finally really getting into a serious draft of what is tentatively called “Ripley Nyms Versus the Hot Rod Witch Gang”…a lesbian Indiana Jones pastiche set in 1950s Chicago. HUZZAH!

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